[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything