Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
can I use a minion as a tampon
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee