Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Breaking news:
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.