At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”