MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
All set.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO