*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
welcome back
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?