Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Received some very disappointing news today
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.