Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Speak now or ever hold your peace
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??