People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
You Might Also Like
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.