Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
You Might Also Like
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you