Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
You Might Also Like
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Netflix: We have Less
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else