Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!