Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Going into Monday like
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.