Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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When you take Google Maps too seriously.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
do horses think humans are hats
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.