Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain