It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You Might Also Like
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling