To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Monday
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO