If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
This kid is a star!
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough