Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
You Might Also Like
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.