*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You Might Also Like
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
where the womens at?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts