KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.