Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
how long have you had this for?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
i can’t wait that long
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.