Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I missed you with all my darts