driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.