“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can鈥檛 even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I鈥檓 upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip鈥檔 slide.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we鈥檙e married now
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If you can鈥檛 disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation鈥ere they really your friends in the first place?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 馃檨
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.