No point crayon over spilled milk.
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
any last words?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
guilty
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.