I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾