I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”