me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension