[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
You Might Also Like
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave