My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.