the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
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Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.