If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.