Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You Might Also Like
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.