My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
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The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
(yawn)
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
How all things should be taught/explained.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi