*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
She puts the hot in psychotic
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
New mindset, who dis?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*