i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
You Might Also Like
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
This kid is going places
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.