I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!