If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”