My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
reduce, reuse, recycle
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.