“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.