So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead