seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My Plans 2020
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
much to think about
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday