the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”