the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.