Doug is just Canadian for dog
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Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
so weird how every mom was born today
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Duolingo getting serious.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
North and South
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.