All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I have a type: disappointing
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now