Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.