[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Sorry. Not sorry
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?