Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
The news is so predictable nowadays
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
monday
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.